I, Leanderthal

You know that feeling when you can’t stand anyone or anything around you. When you’re sitting at home, alone, scrolling through hours on the internet because the thought of doing anything else just seems too benign to consider.  When you think you should call someone and do something; but you realize you wouldn't know who to call or what to do. And you’re not depressed about it. It’s not a depressing thought. It’s just the truth. What would you do? And who would you do it with? And what, really, is better than laughing at memes and drinking coffee, and sitting in a cozy sweater?  Besides maybe doing all of that in bed…with cookies.

You know that feeling when you've decided you like who you are, but you’re not sure if anyone else noticed. Not that they didn't notice you, physically, but they didn't notice your decision to like yourself.  I guess it would be weird if they did. But I never thought that deciding I don’t need to fit in would get kind of lonely.  Not lonely, like, I’m sitting in blankets and crying because I have no friends lonely. And not lonely like kid from Perks of Being a Wallflower, lonely. But Lonely like, damn I wish that one person I spent that large amount of my life with were here to sit and do nothing with me. Lonely for just the presence of your kindred spirits, who also have decided to like who they are—and like who you are. And maybe they noticed that you like eating cookies in bed, and being yourself.

Sometimes when I look at some of the people I used to spend exorbitant  amounts of time with—they just made me feel left out all the time, like I wasn't getting the inside joke even though I was there for it—I think why was I wasting my time with this? With feeling like I was small and irrelevant, when I could have been sitting at home and drinking coffee, laughing at memes in a cozy sweater.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I still like all these people. But they never noticed I decided to like who I am, probably because they never noticed who I am. They’ good people, but they’re the people I call up because I feel like I should call someone, and do something, but they don’t understand why I would want to do any of the things I want to do. 

So you know the feeling after a few of those conversations where you call someone to do something, and they don’t like your answers, so you stop calling them? And you’re sitting at home on the internet in your favorite sweater, and thinking about how much you can’t stand anyone or anything…probably because you’re just kind of lonely for someone you love to be sitting across the table from you and using your coffee to dunk their cookies in while neither of you talk.